Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Jesus…Confidential

This is what happens when coffee, coffee cake, and 30 uninterrupted minutes come together on a Tuesday morning. A strange little piece for me…this is SATIRE with a bit of a Screwtape Letters feel. Suspend reality before reading this imaginary email from across the eons…but, don't forget that 'truth' and 'true' need not be congruent.

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TO: 21st Century Political Strategist

FROM: 1st Century Political Strategist

SUBJECT: Jesus…Confidential

Just between you and me, I think Christianity has a serious problem…Jesus. I think it's time we did something about it. Maybe you haven't noticed lately, but he's become a real thorn in the side of our faith (aka "politics"). We've tried re-branding, re-messaging, and de-leveraging, but he's just not on board…not a team player. I only see one way forward – we're going to have to cut him loose. I know it sounds extreme, but I did some digging around and got some juicy tidbits from a couple of his biographers – turns out he's got a few skeletons in his closet…you shouldn't have any trouble putting a nice smear campaign together. Here are your talking points:

  1. You know all that stuff about Jesus being born in Bethlehem? Bogus. Born in Nazareth – he's a Nazarene! Too easy, I know. More than that, though – guess who was born out of wedlock? His mom's a common whore and his "father," well, no one really knows who his father is. Just another welfare baby from the ghetto – try curtailing that beached whale of a program with him at the helm.
  2. Turns out he's a real liability for our anti-immigration policy efforts as well. We knew he lived in Egypt for a bit as a child – did you know he immigrated there illegally? No papers. His family said they were seeking asylum from threats on their lives…his mother was probably just escaping the stoning she deserved back home.
  3. Oh, and he's Jewish! Only thing better would be if it turned out he was black (or Muslim)…we still got some guys working on this one – I'll keep you posted.
  4. As far as economic policy goes, our suspicions have been confirmed. We have it on record from two businessmen that he challenged them to give their fortunes away…said he believed in economic equality and they should, too. F***ing socialist pig! One guy, a tax collector, actually did it, but what else would you expect from somebody who supports the tax system. The other guy, a rich landowner in Galilee was distraught to find out this was central to Jesus' message – by the way, he said he's willing to finance this venture (felt terrorized by Jesus and wants him out!) Going forward, make sure that the words "Jesus" and "Socialist" become synonymous…never waver from that message, it's his ultimate Achilles heel – "Jesus is a Socialist."
  5. This shouldn't be a hard sell since everyone is aware of Jesus' liberal tendencies. I still can't get over all the healing he did in Galilee last year; if we don't distance ourselves from him people are going to think we support universal healthcare. Just remind people that the dirty lepers love Jesus, but we support a stringent purification policy. Also, word is he told a crowd of close supporters recently that they should "love their enemies," and has actually been quoted saying, "if you live by the sword, you'll die by the sword." Make sure people know about this as well – pacifism is well associated with weakness, impotence and pot-smoking draft dodgers.

We've supported Jesus for a long time. We took John's word that he was the 'chosen one.' But, according to John's camp, even he has serious doubts about that now. You can see the evidence for removing him above – he's a Jewish immigrant bastard with socialist-pacifist tendencies. If he were gay he'd be basically the worst person ever (now that I think about it, isn't it strange that he's still single…).

So, spread the (new and improved) gospel! With Jesus out of the way, we'll be able to get this nation (and the world) back to its historical Christian moorings!

  • D. Christian Nix, 8/30/2011

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

True Blood: Mennonites in Georgia

As I closed the laptop on the conference room table, I suddenly became aware of my surroundings. Mazes of machinery and the ambient scream of industry were commonplace, but this table was all wrong. It was a long, country-style family dining table, but the paint job was too slick – no brush strokes. No one was around, so I took a look underneath…I hit my head when I came back up, exclaiming to myself, "IKEA!?" Then I saw the Keurig – it had made my third cup of coffee only a few minutes before. I quickly developed my first hypothesis about the Mennonites I was examining that day – scrawling on the back of my work notes, I wrote, "Mennonites were once Amish, but their inability to make handcrafted furniture drove them to evolve, adapt technology, and move to more forward thinking environs…like Middle Georgia." Self-amusement is vital for those who travel to these parts routinely….there is so little to laugh about here.

It was the most interesting day I'd had in some time. One of the great perks of my job is getting a behind the scenes look at all manner of industries. I get to see 'how the sausage is made' (well, I haven't actually seen sausage made, but I have seen how hot dogs and chicken nuggets come to be…it's not pretty). After a while, though, it all starts to become a bit rote. Yet, my visit to a new agribusiness near Montezuma was eye-opening. The business concept was progressive, green and, frankly, stupid simple (the best ideas often are). But, I was most impressed by the Mennonite men and women who operate the company and live in the community.

Based on the owner, let's call him Jakob, they are a smart, well-spoken and humble people. Ingenious enough to create a capital machine, but empathetic enough to use their gains to support their community. It was a stark contrast to the innumerable small town businesses I have visited – where the owner drives a new Benz and the employees, earning non-living wages, just hope they can afford the gas to get to work. Here I saw a team of equals who treated each other with respect and spoke with an uncommon kindness. This was clearly a community ethos as well.

While "enjoying" a plate of sauerkraut and sausage at Yoder's Dietsch Haus (when in Rome, right?) I was taken aback by the cordiality of the locals. Well beyond pleasantries, they were all amazingly aware of each other's lives – sharing good news and offering words of support. The service was good too – my glass of tea 'runneth over.'

The day before I arrived, a community disaster had occurred. A local farmer's corn silo had collapsed. Luckily no one was hurt, but the farmer's livelihood was at stake. On the way back to the facility, we drove by to take a look. At least a dozen local men with their loaders and tractors were there diligently cleaning up the mess, salvaging the corn, and restoring their neighbor, even while their own farms and businesses demanded their attention. I imagine they all knew something we jaded, metro, post-Christian modern intellectuals have forgotten (or never knew)…they KNEW their neighbor would do the same for them.

Back at the plant I engaged Jakob in conversation. I complimented him on his business and suggested it would be very profitable. A conflicted look crossed his face – the look of one who is simultaneously both happy and wary. His response was equally conflicted – "I guess that's what we're supposed to do." There are no self-made people…I think Jakob knew this. He knew he was the product of a family, a community and a vital part of its fabric. This business wasn't his pathway to riches; it was a source of community empowerment. The entire business was locally focused – its success and sustainability would mean the same for local farmers and families.

I don't want to over idealize the Mennonite community. Their social construct is limited – women have strained liberties, formal education is not valued, and their tight-knit community has the potential to create an insider/outsider paradigm. Their theology ranges from uber-conservative to less-uber-conservative. But, there is much we can learn from them – they take Jesus' 'neighbor love' thing seriously, they respect creation in sincere and redemptive ways, and they are peaceable, friendly and honest.

In the poorest county in Georgia, they are rich in many ways. – D. Christian Nix, 8/16/2011

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Georgia Magazine published a nice article on Georgia's Mennonite community: http://georgiamagazine.com/archives_view.asp?mon=6&yr=2004&ID=974

And, if you are bored at work, you can "zone out" at this website: http://shoutmennonitenames.com/