Jesus…Confidential

This is what happens when coffee, coffee cake, and 30 uninterrupted minutes come together on a Tuesday morning. A strange little piece for me…this is SATIRE with a bit of a Screwtape Letters feel. Suspend reality before reading this imaginary email from across the eons…but, don't forget that 'truth' and 'true' need not be congruent.

//////////////////////

TO: 21^st Century Political Strategist

FROM: 1^st Century Political Strategist

SUBJECT: Jesus…Confidential

Just between you and me, I think Christianity has a serious problem…Jesus. I think it's time we did something about it. Maybe you haven't noticed lately, but he's become a real thorn in the side of our faith (aka "politics"). We've tried re-branding, re-messaging, and de-leveraging, but he's just not on board…not a team player. I only see one way forward – we're going to have to cut him loose. I know it sounds extreme, but I did some digging around and got some juicy tidbits from a couple of his biographers – turns out he's got a few skeletons in his closet…you shouldn't have any trouble putting a nice smear campaign together. Here are your talking points:

1. You know all that stuff about Jesus being born in Bethlehem? Bogus. Born in Nazareth – he's a Nazarene! Too easy, I know. More than that, though – guess who was born out of wedlock? His mom's a common whore and his "father," well, no one really knows who his father is. Just another welfare baby from the ghetto – try curtailing that beached whale of a program with him at the helm.
   
2. Turns out he's a real liability for our anti-immigration policy efforts as well. We knew he lived in Egypt for a bit as a child – did you know he immigrated there illegally? No papers. His family said they were seeking asylum from threats on their lives…his mother was probably just escaping the stoning she deserved back home.
   
3. Oh, and he's Jewish! Only thing better would be if it turned out he was black (or Muslim)…we still got some guys working on this one – I'll keep you posted.
   
4. As far as economic policy goes, our suspicions have been confirmed. We have it on record from two businessmen that he challenged them to give their fortunes away…said he believed in economic equality and they should, too. F***ing socialist pig! One guy, a tax collector, actually did it, but what else would you expect from somebody who supports the tax system. The other guy, a rich landowner in Galilee was distraught to find out this was central to Jesus' message – by the way, he said he's willing to finance this venture (felt terrorized by Jesus and wants him out!) Going forward, make sure that the words "Jesus" and "Socialist" become synonymous…never waver from that message, it's his ultimate Achilles heel – "Jesus is a Socialist."
   
5. This shouldn't be a hard sell since everyone is aware of Jesus' liberal tendencies. I still can't get over all the healing he did in Galilee last year; if we don't distance ourselves from him people are going to think we support universal healthcare. Just remind people that the dirty lepers love Jesus, but we support a stringent purification policy. Also, word is he told a crowd of close supporters recently that they should "love their enemies," and has actually been quoted saying, "if you live by the sword, you'll die by the sword." Make sure people know about this as well – pacifism is well associated with weakness, impotence and pot-smoking draft dodgers.
   

We've supported Jesus for a long time. We took John's word that he was the 'chosen one.' But, according to John's camp, even he has serious doubts about that now. You can see the evidence for removing him above – he's a Jewish immigrant bastard with socialist-pacifist tendencies. If he were gay he'd be basically the worst person ever (now that I think about it, isn't it strange that he's still single…).

So, spread the (new and improved) gospel! With Jesus out of the way, we'll be able to get this nation (and the world) back to its historical Christian moorings!

• D. Christian Nix, 8/30/2011