Saturday, January 29, 2011

Tiger Moms and Prodigal Sons

My best friend, a Chinese-Canadian-American (yes!), recently sent me a Wall Street Journal article by Amy Chua, author of the just published book "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother." The email was in jest, but reading the article, entitled "Why Chinese Mothers are Superior," got me thinking about my own parentage and parenting.

Chua's argument is that 'the' Chinese method of parenting, which, in my interpretation of Chua's description, entails complete domination of the will, intentions and actions of the child, produces exceedingly better outcomes than Western parenting styles. In many aspects I agree. Western parents in the post-spanking era (thankfully) have much to learn from Dr. Chua's pragmatic approach, particularly in relation to establishing limits and expectations (though, her exact methods are more like prohibition and demand). The ingrained discipline, overwhelming emphasis on academic success and constant push towards overall excellence has led to the (often true) stereotype of superior Chinese-American students.

But, it is precisely the context of 'Chinese-American' that I think is important. This method of parenting, which is supposedly superior to the innumerable Western styles of parenting, finds its apex precisely in Western culture. I think what Chua, a law professor at Yale (of course!), is actually describing is less a function of culture and ethnicity and more a method of class distinction. Chua and many other Chinese-American parents have discovered how to succeed in Western culture – intense discipline, academic rigor and a rejection of failure are indeed the same hallmarks of many socio-economic elite 'Westerners' as well.

The broader issue at hand might rather be whether or not Western-style success in matters of wealth and prestige are the ultimate measures for our children. The reality (and the ultimate counter-argument) is that all children in China are born to 'Tiger Moms,' but poverty, inequality, injustice, and failure are as rampant there as in the United States and other Westernized nations...and more so. Are these mothers, who love their children as desperately as Dr. Chua, failures? Are their children failures? I think not. Might there be another measure for success that eschews ties to culture, ethnicity, economics, etc.?

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Bruce Springsteen's "Growin' Up" is easily in my top-ten list of favorite songs. I have a live version on my iPod that was recorded a few months before I was born in 1978. Within the song there is a three or four minute monologue where Bruce tells his story of 'growin' up.' A master musician, he recalls his parents' (who were in attendance) incessant pleas to "turn down that goddam guitar!" In his narrative he shares that his father wanted him to be a lawyer and that his mother had hoped he would become an author so that he could 'get a little something for himself.' Springsteen eloquently replies, "But what they didn't understand was that I wanted everything…one of you wanted a lawyer and one you wanted an author, but tonight 'yous' are both gonna have to settle for rock n' roll." As the full ensemble kicks in – guitars ringing, horns blaring – no one in that audience, and no one with ears to hear would ever imagine that they were settling for anything. Bruce concludes in verse, "when they said 'sit down,' I stood up!" Neither Bruce's rejection of his parents' desires, nor their inability to mold him into the person they hoped he would be, led to failure. As his deeply personal address suggests, irrespective of achieving pop icon status, he had succeeded in life (in his own unique way) because he knew he was loved. I imagine the "everything" that Springsteen wanted was more than worldly success – it was wholeness as a person.

Likewise, many know Jesus' story of the 'Prodigal Son' in Luke 15. The dastardly younger son demands an inheritance from his not yet deceased father then proceeds to squander it through 'wild living.' Impoverished, malnourished and humiliated he returns to his home hoping to simply be treated as a servant. He had failed as a son. He had failed his family by dishonoring his father, he had failed morally by living in disrepute and he had failed economically by wasting vast resources with no return. But, and this is the crucial juncture in the story, he did not fail to be loved:

"But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him…the father said to his servants, 'Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' So they began to celebrate." (Luke 15:20-24, NIV)


 

The lost son was found…and more so, the lost son in that moment likely found himself. His identity was not the manifestation of his successes and failures in life, but rather his grounding as a person who was loved without condition.


 

Dr. Chua and her husband love their daughters passionately. My wife and I love our children passionately. Whether or not our parenting methods drive them to achieve greatness in a Westernized world rife with disparities and abuses – often practiced upon the masses by those 'great ones' – is of little significance. What is paramount is that they know love, so that whatever they 'become' will be imbued with the same – regardless of whether they share our cultural values, theology or politics. This world is full of unhappy doctors and lawyers who made their parents 'proud.' What this world desperately needs is loving neighbors…my prayer is that we raise a couple.

– D. Christian Nix, 1/29/11